Where the Hell is the Tough Love?

Our profession has gone soft. I’m not talking a warm, 5000 count sheet soft. I’m talking, “what the hell is going on” soft. When and why did this happen is what I want to know. Since when did it become okay to coddle a student organization for screwing up on a consistent basis? At what point did we allow ourselves to be somewhat feared by our students? Today’s blog entry examines the dynamic of our college students today’s (through my experiences of course) while pleading for more tough love. It also asks for more awareness and less blindness which I explain at the end.

To start, I think it’s time to truly identify the college student today. I don’t call today’s students millennials, but rather Generation Entitlement. They are the give me, give me, give me student. They are the incredibly smart, talented, and gifted student. They are the “tell me what to do and I’ll do it student.” Yet, they are the “I can’t get dirty or do REAL work” student. They are the passionate student. However, they are unsure of what their true passions are in their life. They are the questioning student. They ask WHY a lot. However, their reasoning behind asking why tends to be more in an attempt to find loopholes rather than understanding. They are the emotional student. They are the driven student. They are the future.

As you can see, this is a unique type of student to work with on a daily basis. You have students who are driven to do something but they need you tell them what to do. We work with students who are passionate but they can’t always convey or verbalize their passions. Generation Entitlement wants to make a difference but often times are hesitant to make the bold change for fear of peers’ disapproval. It would appear that these students are a walking contradiction. They want one thing and do another.

So why the name Generation Entitlement? I have become more and more convinced that student’s today have been given so much in their life that they have never really had to work for something. The small number of students who have are so few and far between, that they tend to become part of the majority in “expecting” something. Ask a student today who pays their phone bills, they’d say their parents. Ask a student who pays their credit card bills, they’d say their parents. Ask a student leading an organization who is responsible for their actions, they’d say “it depends.” Ask a Greek organization if they should have to earn or be entitled to various aspects of the fraternal experience, most would say that they should be entitled.

Part of Generation Entitlement’s nature is that they expect to be coddled. They expect to be loved. They expect to know that someone cares about them and their organization. However, they expect these entitlements at an extremely elevated level. So, when they don’t get their way, they complain. They whine. They cry. They get angry. They go to your boss. They question your purpose. They begin to distance themselves from you. They in some cases, try to get you fired.

The result of this behavior has translated into various professionals in both the Greek world and in the large scale student affairs world to become soft. Yell at a student? Not in a million years! Raise your voice at a group of students? Watch out! Question an organization’s purpose and reason for existing? You have opened Pandora’s box! In talking with some professionals in various settings, some even stated that the sheer thought of challenging students is something they try to avoid because it could jeopardize their job. THEIR JOB! Thus, this sense of entitlement has made it increasingly challenging to make the changes necessary with various student organizations, including our Greek organizations.

Now, I want to make it clear that I believe in helping our students grow, evolve, and become the best students they can be. I believe in showing love. I believe in caring for the students we work with on a daily basis. However, I believe that it’s a balancing act. It shouldn’t be 90% coddle and 10% tough love. It should be 50-50. I almost think it should be more fluid in that at different times the level of love and the level of accountability (tough love) will change based on the circumstances.

So what exactly is tough love? What does it look like? Tough love is confronting behavior inconsistent with expectations without a hug at the end. Tough love is not beating around the bush. Tough love is raising the tone in your voice when necessary. Tough love is being able to put your foot down with the understanding that as a professional, you may not be liked after the decision you make.

When do you give tough love? I believe it is when actions of a person or organization are inconsistent with their purpose. If an organization has continued to screw up over the course of a few months, they should not be pampered or babied. They need to understand that they are screwing up. They need to hear your frustration. They need to know that when they leave your office, that they are in deep shit. They should not leave your office thinking everything will be sunshine and roses. Generation Entitlement has started to learn that they can get away with things and are starting to push the envelope. The reason they are doing this? They are being coddled. They don’t sense any type of fear. I know this because students have told me this.

So what can we do as professionals? First, be aware and not blind. There’s a concept in the law known as willful blindness. The idea is that one deliberately takes steps to avoid seeing what’s right in one’s face. For some, there are things going on within chapters and within your communities that are wrong and in some cases, borderline dangerous. That is not okay. Similarly to how many of our administrators, alumni and National offices does this concept apply? What can we do to help (make) them SEE? In the fraternal world, we need more honest dialogue. Enough of the bullshit…let’s get real.

Second, we need to confront. Enough is enough with some of the things going on with our students. We truly need to step up as a profession and be okay with doing more “cleaning house” of chapters or closing organizations. We need to kick out chapter and council officers that aren’t being good role models or espousing the values we are expecting of them. We need to confront the alumni that are simply living in the 80s. We need to call one another out for the lack of action or confrontation of bad behavior. We must have heated fellowship with anyone who fails to see the purpose behind the true value of fraternity and sororities.

Lastly, we need to have follow-up. There is a reason it is called tough LOVE. I think my students would agree that I will tell them how it is and ensure they understand when they have screwed up. However, once the behavior has changed or progress is being made, I make sure to follow-up with them to know they have an ally. They need to know that they screwed up but they also need to know they have someone they can go to for guidance on how to change the behavior. Most of all, they need to know and hear that people make mistakes, but we can all learn from our mistakes.

In closing, we need more tough love. Generation Entitlement may not like it at first but in the long run, they will be better students, leaders, and organizations for it. Most of all, if we all provide more tough love, I think we will start to see the changes we want to see. Just remember, don’t forget to do the follow-up.

Operation Frustration

If you are like me, the picture above accurately expresses my frustration with Greek organizations at this point in time. I will go into great detail about my frustration with Greek students mentality these days in my next blog entry but I wanted to share an article I received that helps to preface my feelings.

The article is entitled "Why It's Not Your Fault You're Stuck." The context of the article is catered to change more within a business setting but it is transferable to various arenas including the fraternal world. Specifically, the context I read this article was why it is so difficult for our Greek organizations to change. Why is it they can't seem to rid themselves from these "traditions?" Why aren't more students seeing the big picture and the need for change?

The article is short and simple but it really helped frame some of my thoughts in a concise manner. Most of all, the article leaves the conversation open for further dialogue about the challenges we face about changing our members, chapters, and communities.

I hope you enjoy the article and I encourage you to read it with a fraternal lens (or other student organization perspective)...

In my view, there are two types of people in the world: those who are resigned to staying where they are, thinking it’s not possible or would take too much effort to make significant changes in their lives. (They’re probably not reading this.)

The second type – hi there! – is always striving to improve and continuously looking for ways to become better in their personal and professional lives.

Unfortunately, the first type is right about one thing: it’s devilishly hard to make the changes that will lead to the desired results, and there are a couple of very valid reasons why:

REASON #1: NOT KNOWING WHAT OR HOW TO CHANGE.

As Albert Einstein famously said, “We can’t solve problems on the same level we created them.”

Most of us are very good – brilliant, actually — at identifying the problem. What we’re not as good at is shifting to a different level of thinking to solve them. As Mr. Einstein also pointed out: that’s because it’s our best thinking that got us where we are now.

For sure, it’s hard by ourselves to pinpoint exactly what we need to change. Instead, we try the same things we’ve always tried. Or, we try lots of different things without sticking with any of them and, when we don’t see much improvement, we get frustrated and give up.

REASON #2: LACK OF OBJECTIVITY.

To get better, you have to work at what you’re not good at. But homing in on exactly what those flaws are is easier said than done: our brains are specifically designed to defend against exposure and critique. If new information doesn’t jive with a current belief, it won’t even register on our radar. So between the loud clamor of ego, swirling emotions and chattering of the inner critic, it’s pretty much impossible to recognize our own blind spots.

As opera diva Renee Fleming says: “What we hear as we are singing is not what the audience

hears.

REASON #3: LACK OF MOTIVATION OR ACCOUNTABILITY.

Let’s be real, it’s not enough just knowing what you need to do differently. Without a sense of urgency or external pressure, it’s tough to break through the inertia and initiate a change.

Whether you start today or tomorrow, who’s going to notice? Humans are social creatures and, sadly enough, making a change solely for our own benefit or awareness, sometimes isn’t enough motivation.

So it’s not you. Even the most disciplined or well-trained person finds it challenging to sustain, much less improve, their best performance on their own.

Click here for article.