Understanding the Last Two Letters in the Word SEX

We talk a lot about risk management in our profession as fraternity and sorority life (F/S) professionals and rightly so. Issues such as binge drinking and hazing simply aren’t going away and maybe never will. While we need to continue the fight against such acts as hazing and binge drinking, I’d like to shift our focus on two growing risk management issues. Two risk management issues that are not being talked about or simply not enough in my opinion. In this two part blog entry, I focus our attention on domestic violence and prescription drugs. I will start with domestic violence in this blog entry.

I’d like to start out with a few domestic violence statistics I found on some domestic violence sites…

• Every 9 seconds in the US a woman is assaulted or beaten. (1)
• Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women—more than car accidents, muggings, and rapes combined. (1)
• One in four women (25%) has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime. (2)
• Nearly three out of four (74%) of Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence. (2)
• Women ages 20-24 are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence. (2)

Up to this moment in the blog entry, (which took me approximately 45 seconds to read by doing a stopwatch test), 5 women have been assaulted or beaten based on the first bullet’s statistic. FIVE women!

Folks, we live in a world that can at times turn a blind eye to the notion of domestic violence. As F/S professionals, we work in an environment where promiscuous activity and “hooking up” have become acceptable behaviors in our Greek communities. Behaviors that we know could lead to domestic violence. The dangers are apparent and the issues need to be addressed. Thus my friends, it’s time to have the “talk.”

I’m not talking about the birds and the bees talk that our parents gave us. I’m talking about a genuine heart to heart with our students who are engaging in these behaviors. So why should we have this talk? Here are a few reasons…

First, it is our job to look out for our students. It is also our job to teach them to look out for one another. As the name suggests, risk management is managing and reducing risks in all that we do. This is true when it comes to relationships and domestic violence. Consider that the primary age range we work with is 18-23 and then take note of the last bullet of statistics up above. Consider that, “date rape accounts for almost 70% of sexual assaults reported by adolescent and college age women” (2). Finally, reflect on the statistic that “over three in four women (76%) who reported they had been raped and/or physically assaulted since age 18 said that an intimate partner (current or former husband, cohabiting partner, or date) committed the assault” (2). There is a reason I entitled this blog, the last two letters of the word SEX. We know of students who are having relationship issues. We know of students who are in relationships that could be abusive. So, why aren’t we having the tough conversations to help them see that being treated like shit isn’t okay?

Second, we need to have this talk because I don’t think students recognize the risky behavior they are engaging in. Students today are bombarded with shows on TV such as Jersey Shore, Sex and the City, Real World and other shows that condone promiscuous behavior. In most circumstances, those shows embrace sexual behavior as if it is the norm. The scary reality is that these shows make students who choose not to engage in sexual behavior feel like an outcast. What transpires is that these students get into an unhealthy relationship to feel “accepted” and in return, suffer the pain of domestic violence. What is worse is that according to the site, Domestic Violence Statistics.Org, “nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship said a boyfriend threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a breakup (1). Imagine that even when trying to get out of an unhealthy relationship, your safety is at risk.

Finally, we need to have this talk because we care about our students. There is a difference between doing our job as I noted in the first point and genuinely caring about our students. In fact, I’d argue that a majority of us are in this profession because some F/S professional or student affairs professional showed that they believed in us and cared for us. So, why not pay it forward, reach out your hand, open your heart, and help those students we know who are in need.

Domestic violence is a scary reality that women (and men) in our Greek communities are facing. What’s even sadder is that after reading various domestic violence sites, most cases of domestic violence are never reported to police. I wonder, is that because of fear? Is it because students pressure to be accepted by their peers or is it because they feel no one will listen? Regardless of the reason, this is a problem. A serious problem that is on the rise at college campuses and within our Greek communities. A problem that should not be ignored.

It should be noted that not everyone is able to have the “talk” or discuss such a serious issue as domestic violence. I want to remind everyone that this is perfectly okay as most college institutions have a counseling center or victim’s advocacy office with trained professionals that you can refer a student to. In addition, there is a National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. So, if your student or you as a professional need someone to talk to, there are people there waiting to help. Don’t stand for domestic violence and never be afraid to ask for help.

Sources & Resources:

1) Domestic Violence Statistics:
http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-statistics/

2) Domestic Violence Resource Center:
http://www.dvrc-or.org/domestic/violence/resources/C61/

3) National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: http://www.ncadv.org/files/DomesticViolenceFactSheet(National).pdf

A Video Resource:

A Message to the Fraternity/Sorority Life Consultants

We have reached that time of year again friends. It’s that time of year when fraternity and sorority life consultants have finally been announced to the world. It’s the time of year when consultants from across the country have been blessed with an opportunity of a lifetime. It’s that time of year, when the reality sets for consultants that this is my profession for the next year.

For the new consultants, they are excited! They have finally been hired, have started their intensive training, have maybe gone to a National or regional conference and are starting to receive their travel schedules. For the returning consultants, they are energized. They have returned from their exotic vacations that lasted approximately four days and finally are gearing up for round two of their consultant experience.

As a former two-year consultant, I could not be more excited for all of you. Having lived out of a suitcase, driven across the country, started a new chapter and been to over 35 chapters, I can surely relate to the experiences you are about to encounter or experience once again as a returner. Thus, as a fraternity/sorority advisor who meets frequently with consultants now, I felt it was important to provide three pieces of advice as you embark on your consultant journey.

Stay Grounded

I view consultants as the best of the best in the fraternal world. You were selected in an ultra-competitive application process. You were the go-getters in college. You were the Greek students who held multiple positions. You were the students who went to every fraternity/sorority life conference and wanted to go back each year. You lived and breathed fraternity and sorority life.

However, as you hit the road as a consultant I’d urge you to stay grounded in your newfound position. What I mean by staying grounded is to remember that just because you were selected as a consultant doesn’t make you better than everyone else. If you haven’t been taught this already, I’ll be the first to tell you that not everyone will like you on all your visits. There will be chapters that won’t want you there. Most of all, there will be chapter leaders that don’t want to hear about how you did it at your undergraduate institution and feel it can work at their institution. Thus, you need to stay grounded in your endeavors.

As you approach the chapters that don’t want you to be there, talk to them on THEIR level. Show them that you have a personality and that you are not a perfect little angel. They will respect your honesty and more than likely open up to you more. When talking to the students, make sure you use multiple examples of ways they can improve…not just YOUR undergraduate experience. The reality is that some ideas may not work at one school that it did at another so make sure you come with various ideas and thoughts. Finally, be able to confront those chapters that don’t seem to like you. Find out why! Most of the time I’d say it’s because the previous consultant didn’t do anything or treated them badly. To fix that, a simple line you could say could be, “hey, I feel like there is some tension in our relationship.” Or if you sense the chapter is having issues with you, you could say, “I get the sense that the chapter isn’t excited for me to be here, can you help me understand why?” You would be amazed at how letting the students speak their mind and not always being told what to do from “Nationalz” will go a long way in building a strong rapport with the chapter.

Stay Passionate

The next bit of advice I’d provide is to stay passionate. As I mentioned above, you are going to face some opposition in some of your visits. However, you are also going to visit some amazing chapters that want you to stay forever and in some cases, say that because of you, they want to be a consultant. Regardless of the visit you have, stay passionate in your role as a consultant.

One observation I’ve seen over the years with consultants is that they start off really, really strong. Yet, as the year progresses, their excitement levels drop dramatically and their energy levels slip heavily. So, how will you stay passionate? Will it be reading your Ritual? Will it be taking on the challenge of working with a difficult chapter? Will it be talking to a fellow consultant? Will it be talking to your family or significant other? Whatever it is, you need to have a way to light your fire.

Always remember that more than likely, in three days you get to start over. What I mean is that if you are having a bad visit, a positive visit might be right around the corner. Don’t take a bad visits “baggage” to the next chapter because that is rude and not fair to the new chapter. So, find a way to ignite that passion back in you when you hit a little rut.

Stay Professional

My final piece of advice is to stay professional. You are going to see some amazing colleges, meet some amazing students, and visit some beautiful parts of the United States. Each circumstance will provide a level of temptation at times to take your consultant cap off. Well, let me just say that regardless of what you think, someone is always watching you. It could be the students, it could be an alumnus, or it could be us…the Greek advisors.

In my opinion, you lose all credibility with me if I find out you went out drinking with the students or if you felt the need to hook up with someone. As I stated above, you are the best of the best to me. In most of the undergraduate student’s eyes, you personify the National representation of your organization. If you are a member of XYZ organization, then the students see you as the best XYZ member. Thus, if you say one thing and do another, you have lost credibility. If you set a meeting up with the Greek Advisor and don’t show up or aren’t on time, that tells us something about your professionalism. Always remember that for some chapters, this may be their ONLY interaction with the National organization for the year. As the old saying goes, “actions speak louder than words.”

For additional tips, I’d encourage you to check out a previous blog I wrote: http://purposedrivenreflection.blogspot.com/2010/06/fraternitysorority-consultants-tips-to.html

In conclusion, if you can follow these three pieces of advice, I think you will be a very successful consultant. I believe in a consultant’s impact and I know that consultants aren’t always praised for your efforts. So with that said I want to say that I appreciate you all and wish you the best of luck. Safe travels and enjoy the journey!!!

P.S.

Take pictures!!! The picture to begin this blog entry was me sitting in a dunk tank to help a chapter raise money. The pictures below are from my traveling days.

The beautiful SAE house at the Univ. of Kansas

The Delta Sig house at the Univ. of Oregon

The basketball court of Delta Sigma Phi at Washington State

Doing some service work with the men of Beta Mu (Transylvania) in Kentucky

The very nice house of Delta Sigma Phi at Western Illinois

The Recruitment Class BEFORE the Recruitment Class

Ladies and gentlemen, recruitment class is now in session. Before we get to the content, those of you registered for Recruitment 101 are in the wrong room. This is the pre-class session before Recruitment 101.

To begin class, I should explain to you why this pre-class exist and why you may be reading this entry. Simply put, I have seen too many students and organizations jump right into Recruitment 101 before understanding the very basics of recruitment. Similar to babies, I have seen too many fraternal organizations try to run before they can crawl. This class is intended to pull back the reins on you and make sure you understand the basics before jumping into the saddle of recruitment.

Before I move on, I should state a quick disclaimer for this blog entry. Some of my fellow professionals may tie in my pre-class session with their recruitment 101 educational material and I think that is perfectly acceptable. However, I think that this material requires more than just a quick glance over or a brief five minute overview. So, as long as you aren’t overlooking the importance of the SETL recruitment tactics I will explain shortly, we should be good to go. Now, let’s get to work.

As I mentioned above, this is the pre-class to Recruitment 101. I felt it was essential to share some helpful tactics when it comes to recruiting people and have so eloquently named them the SETL recruitment tactics. Yes, an acronym. It’s easy to remember and simple, the way recruitment should be. So, here are the basics regarding each letter of the SETL tactics. I have also provided a “point to take home” and a “helpful exercise” to help you. I hope you take notes…

The “S” stands for Shake

Readers, I’d like you to give me a big “mmhmm” if you’ve ever had a terrible handshake. Maybe you received the “bone crusher,” or the “limp fish.” Maybe you were the recipient of the “just fingers,” or the always awkward “long handshake.” Regardless of the type of handshake you received, you remember it and it wasn’t in a good way.

Let’s relate this to recruitment. Why is the handshake so important? Well, there are a couple of reasons. First, it is a sign of etiquette in my opinion. A potential new member (PNM) has made the gracious effort of coming to your table, your recruitment event, or insert whatever event and this is the first point of the contact with the PNM. If you don’t make an effort to reach out to the PNM, they may see it as rude or snooty. Second, the handshake should be extended by the fraternal organization (aka the recruiter) showing a gesture of welcome. The handshake should be firm and no longer than 2 seconds (think how long it takes you to say, “Hey, how you doing, I’m ___). In addition, you as the recruiter should target the PNM’s thenar space when you give a handshake. That is the space between your thumb and index finger. You want your thenar space to meet the PNM’s thenar space. The final reason the handshake is important is that the shake demonstrates an initial and positive interest to the PNM. If a PNM sees you shaking hands with all the other PNMs but not theirs, what is that telling him/her? Nine times out of ten, the PNM is nervous to be there or didn’t want to be there in the first place and if no welcome is provided, he or she may have no reason to stay.

Point to take home: Make the handshake a priority and show the PNM that they are valued.

Helpful Exercise: Practice your handshake with one of your brothers/sisters. Are you a “limp fish?” Are you the “cold and clammy” handshake person? Find out by practicing during a recruitment workshop.

The “E” stands for Eye Contact

Along with the handshake is the need for some good eye contact. If the handshake is the first physical connection with a PNM, then the eye contact is the first non-physical connection. Your eyes have tremendous power. To put it into perspective, in just two small parts of our body we can convey almost every emotion and feeling we have. Because of this fact it is almost key that we learn how to make proper eye contact with PNMs. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and you could not meet there eyes? I bet you felt like you were falling down the ladder of control and you had lost. Don’t let that happen during recruitment.

When you meet a PNM for the first time or the 30^th time, make sure you extend your hand and make direct eye contact with that person. This shows a level of etiquette and confidence to the PNM without saying a word. Don’t shake a PNM’s hand and look away at an attractive person of the opposite sex. Don’t look at their shoes while introducing yourself. You look dead into their eyes, and you state who you are and that you are glad they could make it to your event.

Most of all, don’t try and hide your feelings with your eyes. You see, just as eye contact can convey many things eye contact also masks many things. When you were a child and you were trying to lie to your parents, one of the main ways they could tell was because you could not maintain confident eye contact with them. PNMs can read right through you just like your parents did. Make them feel welcomed. Don’t stare because that can appear intimidating so keep it simple, maintain your eye contact, and don’t have wandering eyes!

Point to Take Home: Eye contact can make or break someone’s interest in your organization

Helpful Exercise: Introduce yourself to someone you don’t know that you find attractive. If you can maintain eye contact with them, you can maintain eye contact with anyone.

The “T” stands for Tone

Organizations or particular individuals do a pretty good job with the handshakes and eye contact. Often times, they just need to practice a little bit and remind themselves of the importance of those two body language efforts when meeting someone. Tone however, is often not talked about when we discuss recruitment techniques.

IF I WERE TO TYPE THIS WHOLE PARAGRAPH LIKE THIS, YOU’D PROBABLY SENSE THAT MY TONE HAS ELEVATED TO A SHOUTING OR AGGRESSIVE TONE. Yet, I just typed words. You didn’t hear a thing. We have been conditioned to think that all CAPS means an aggressive tone. Surely, if we can recognize tone in writing, we recognize it in speaking.

Making the leap to recruitment, do you ever think about YOUR tone when you speak? Are you soft spoken? Are you loud? Are you aggressive? Do you have a passive tone? Imagine for a moment that we are meeting, we have shaked hands, I have made eye contact with you and then all of a sudden I say, “HI, MY NAME IS LANDON AND IT IS AWESOME THAT YOU ARE HERE.” During that time, you are getting sprayed with spit, you smell the odor of death from my breath, and your hair looks like you just got caught in a windstorm. How would you react if you were a PNM?

Tone can truly be a remarkable tool. When you are inviting someone to an event, use an excited yet warming tone. If you are asking someone to join your organization, use a comforting, soft tone. It is so important to identify your tone with a PNM because this is your verbal connection with them. If the PNM feels threatened, scared, or nervous because of your tone, do you think they will return?

Point to take home: Be cognizant of your tone as you speak to PNMs. It can make or break a PNMs level of interest in your organization or their decision to return to your organization’s event.

Helping Exercise: Call one of your fraternity/sorority brothers over the phone and conduct a recruitment conversation. Talking on the phone can easily help identify what type of tone you may have when you speak to someone.

The “L” stands for Language

The final basic tactic in the SETL method is language. You can succeed at the first three letters of the method but if you fail at the language part, you could easily lose a PNMs interest. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a PNM walk away from a conversation rolling their eyes or an interested student choose not to be part of a Greek community because of the language they have heard out of Greek members mouths. To name a few, how about Bro, GDI, Baby, Dude, Pussy, Douchebag, Cunt, Slut, Whore, etc. Have you heard any of these? Have you said any of these? You get the point I’m trying to make.

The mind-blowing part of this language section is that it’s not during a direct conversation that fraternal organizations lose a PNM; it’s during an informal conversation in a public setting. If a PNM is at a recruitment event and hears some sisters talking about another PNM in a derogatory way, what do you think their impression will be of that organization? The same is true for the men. If a fraternity makes a comment about what a PNM is wearing across the room and another PNM overhears the comment and is wearing the same thing as the other PNM, how excited will they be to be part of that brotherhood?

Don’t assume everyone speaks Greek. Don’t assume that they are attracted to your type of language. Very simply, speak normally but appropriately. In some circumstances, you can even let the PNM dictate the language of the conversation because who knows, maybe they speak a language that you don’t like and that will help you determine if you want them to be part of your organization or not.

Point to take home: Watch your language and speak to someone how you’d like to be spoken to. Furthermore, know who is around you.

Helping Exercise: Find a partner and conduct a recruitment conversation. Have your partner note how many times you use negative “buzz” words and have them report back to you after the conversation. Another exercise would be to recruitment someone with their parents right next to them.

Folks, we take advantage of these four things too much. We are losing great men and women because we are failing to train one another on the very basics of meeting people and talking to people. For some of you, I bet one of these 4 tactics was the very reason you DIDN’T join another organization. It is imperative that we get back to the very basics before you move on to the Recruitment 101 stuff. Most of all, you have to practice these tactics. Everyone can get a little better in each of these areas. Strive to better and I promise you will reap the benefits.

I hope you have enjoyed class.

Why Greek Life Should Be Like Angry Birds

I love the game Angry Birds. It is so simple, it’s addicting. In doing some research for this blog entry, it seems I’m not alone in this feeling of infatuation with the game. According to an article I read on INC.com, Niklas Hed, the co-founder of Rovio Mobile, the Finnish company who created the Angry Birds app had some statistics he wanted to share. Specifically, Mr. Hed stated that since the game was released in December 2009, it has been downloaded more than 200 million times. In addition, Mr. Hed went on to say that in May of last year, Angry Birds became the best selling app in the United States.

So what is it about Angry Birds? Why the intrigue I wondered? After doing some more reading about the game’s popularity, I came up with a three key points as to why it was the best selling app in the United States. I then related it to Fraternity and Sorority Life and why Greek Life should be like Angry Birds.

Everyone Talks About It

As stated above, Angry Birds is the BEST selling app in the United States. When people get a new phone that is able to download apps, Angry Birds is one of the first recommendations that people suggest you should download. Unless you have sat in a dark room, alone, for the past few months, you’ve heard about the game.

The same should be true about joining a fraternity or sorority. Your values, your actions, and the pure excitement of being part of a brotherhood or sisterhood should speak for itself. When students come to campus for the first time, Greek Life should be the first recommendation people suggest to be a part of during the collegiate experience. Ask yourself, if your organization had an app, would people want it? Would they want it like they want Angry Birds? Greeks need to build excitement to join so that everyone is talking about it. Make you figurative fraternal “app” the best selling app on your campus.

You Continually Try To Get Better

Angry Birds is all about making it to the next level. I’d go so far as to say that the pure simplicity of how to play but yet the complexity of making it to the next level is why some people will spend hours playing the game. Mr. Hed, in his interview with INC.com stated that when they first created the game, the number one issue he received from players was that people wanted more levels. So he built more levels. He went on to say that, “if you like something, and it’s all the same all the time, you will get bored.”

It is that last quote that resonated with me in regards to Greek Life. If your fraternity/sorority experience was the same all the time, wouldn’t you get bored? Of course you would! So, why not be like Angry Birds and continually get better. Build your own “levels” for your organization. Hopefully, you’d get so “addicted” to your organization and trying to achieve the next level; you’d look back as a senior and reflect positively on all the positive changes you made in the past four years.

It Becomes Something You Struggle to Live Without

I’d challenge anyone to play Angry Birds just once and try not to immediately play it again. It truly is an addicting game. A game that makes it hard to put down. After awhile, it can become a game that you struggle to live without. Put another way, if you have an opportunity to play it, you play it because it has become that engrained in your head.

The same should be true for your Greek organization. Once you have built the excitement in which everyone is talking about your Greek organization and you have built a framework that strives to do better each day, the final piece is making it something that you can’t live without. It is that daily devotion to your Ritual. It is that reckless passion that comes when someone speaks about your organization in a negative way. It is truly striving to make better men and better women.

In closing, I think Angry Birds provides a true template for how our fraternal members can make their Greek organizations great. If you get people talking about it, you try to get better each day, and you build a devotion to your organization so strong that no one can break it. Most of all, it’s simple. Angry Birds is simple. Making your organization great is simple. Follow your values, read your Ritual, and do what you say you will do.