The Takeaways I Took from Watching 13 Reasons Why

I recently finished the controversial Netflix series “13 Reasons Why” and it took me on an emotional journey I did not expect. To be honest, the series hit me much harder than I ever imagined.

For those that haven’t seen the series, the premise of the show can be found here. The controversy of the show surrounds the apparent way in which the show glorifies suicide. Based on that, here are some of my takeaways from the show:

Suicide is Difficult to Understand

To this very day, I remember the phone call I received in 2005. I was in North Carolina for work and I received a call from my good friend and fraternity brother Bob. I could immediately tell in his voice something wasn’t right. I asked what was wrong and he took a long pause, sighed and said that “Pat had died.” Pat, being a fellow fraternity brother.

My heart sank and tears started to flow. You see, Pat was 20 years old. Pat was smart. Pat was boyishly nice. Pat was the guy I personally recruited to be in the fraternity. Pat, I thought, was in a good place. I was wrong.

On October 26, 2005, Pat jumped off a bridge in the middle of my college campus and took his life.

I still ask myself to this day if I could have done more to save Pat. 13 Reasons Why opened up those painful memories and made me ask myself again, “Is there more I could have done?”

Suicide is difficult to understand. I will never know why Pat decided to take his life. On the outside, from what I saw, he would have been one of the last people that I’d think was going to commit suicide. Yet, as 13 Reasons Why showcased, sometimes those are the people who are in need of the help the most. I appreciated the show taking us through Hannah’s journey and helping to understand her rationale for doing so.

Suicide is Not Painless

The most controversial part of the show is a scene that shows Hannah killing herself. In full, graphic detail. It was eye-opening and painful to watch. Various organizations and groups have come forward saying that the scene wasn’t necessary. That it was reckless. That it will trigger more teenage suicides.

I believe the scene was necessary because suicide isn’t painless. Sure, you can imagine someone committing suicide but it doesn’t have the same effect as seeing someone commit the act. Suicide is not easy for anyone, even the person who commits the act. The writer of 13 Reasons Why even opened up and explained why he didn’t shy away from the suicide scene here that I think provides further context of why he felt it was necessary.

Suicide is Not Discussed Enough

13 Reasons Why has brought up a subject no one likes to talk about or discuss and brought it to the forefront. It’s not a fun subject to discuss. It’s not an easy subject to understand. I’d even go so far as to say, if you haven’t been personally impacted by suicide in some way, it’s very difficult to feel an emotional attachment to the cause, if that makes sense.

I appreciated the show putting suicide at the forefront of the series. In my observation, as the show in some ways even made fun of, suicide isn’t discussed until a tragedy occurs. I know progress has been made as more and more mental health professionals and counselors are trained to teach warning signs but there is still work to be done.

My hope is that those mental health professionals will use the show as a training mechanism for future work. My hope is that parents will discuss the show with their kids and talk to them about their school environment. My hope is that along with suicide, bullying and rape will also be discussed in a safe environment for those that feel unhappy or unsafe. My hope is that people will not attack the show for “glorifying suicide” but rather take a step back and see that, in my opinion, the show was driving awareness towards a topic that needs to be discussed more. Nobody wants to bury a child, a friend, a family member or a fraternity brother/sister due to suicide.

Suicide Will Often Leave More Questions than Answers

In the show, Hannah left the tapes. An audio diary of what lead her to do what she felt was necessary. In real life, this won’t always be the case. For those that have experienced suicide, trying to understand “why” can take a toll on your life, your family’s life, your significant others life and the list goes on and on. Anger, rage, frustration, sadness, depression and guilt all can come into your life because of the unknown reasons for someone choosing to commit suicide.

It’s been 12 years now since Pat passed away and I still wonder, if I had just called him or texted him, would that have changed things? I think anyone who has lost someone to suicide, will always have a sense of wonder as to if they could have done something more. Just know that if your life is ever impacted by a suicide, you may never know the “why.”

When in Doubt, Seek Help

While this may seem the most obvious, I think this can be the most difficult. Getting help from a counselor or mental health specialist is an extremely personal and vulnerable decision to make. If I’m truly being honest, I think society has stereotyped it to be a negative when in fact, it should be a positive.

What I mean by that is that if you share with others that you are seeking counseling, others may see it as a “what’s wrong with you” mentality and potentially ostracize you. I think this is especially true for men because we’re supposed to be so tough and macho. Is this always the case? Of course not. Your best friends and family are going to support you in getting the help you need. I once had a boss who was very open about getting counseling and that was refreshing to hear for me. I also had a friend who told me he sees a counselor on a regular basis and said that being able to talk to someone openly and freely without fear of judgement was great.

I guess what I’m getting at is that when you are struggling to find an outlet, consider getting help. Everyone has their own way of handling things but when things get dark, get help. When happiness seems out of reach, consider talking to a mental professional. Hell, if you are lucky enough to have amazing parents or a friend, ask them to go with you. You are not alone in this world even though you may feel otherwise.

In closing, I thought 13 Reasons Why was a powerful show that showcased a difficult subject in a professional manner. While there are always areas for improvement (I wish they provided more suicide prevention numbers after each episode), I think the show got people talking (and writing) about a topic that needs to be discussed more.

What did you think?

Why I Cried in a Mall Food Court

It's not often you get to hear about, let alone witness, the power of kindness when all you see in the news is negativity and hatred. Yet, I recently had the chance to observe two acts of kindness that overwhelmed me and I felt compelled to share my story.

To set the scene, I had just watched the movie "Dope" (great movie that I highly recommend) at a mall in Miami and wanted to grab dinner. I walked over to the food court, grabbed some food and took a seat to enjoy my meal.

Directly in front of me was a family of three. A father, white, most likely in his 50s. A wife, white, probably in her upper 40s and a daughter, white, whom I'd guess to be between the ages of 7-9 years old. Based on the mall I was in and the family's attire, I'd presume they were pretty well off financially. Being within earshot of them, I could tell they were from a different country but it was difficult to make out which one.

As I occasionally observed the family in between playing on my phone, I saw that they were close to finishing their meals. However, I noticed that the daughter seemed to have been disappointed in her meal as there was quite a bit left on her plate. As they began to pack up their things, I noticed that they weren't sure whether to throw away their trays or leave it on the table.

As they stood up, a black man with a very slender figure made his way to their table. I'd image this man was no taller than 5'3 and weighed no more than 95 lbs soaking wet. As he politely made his way to the table, the family acknowledged his presence and sensing his reason for coming to the table, left their trays for him.

When the man sat down, I made the assumption that he was homeless. His clothes were ruffled and dirty. His hair was matted. His skin was dried up and his feet, in sandals, appeared in rough condition.

The man stared at the food for what seemed like an eternity and after a few moments, began to eat. He didn't seem to be overly hungry as he ate at a steady pace. I say that because there have been times I've seen homeless individuals scarf down food as if they hadn't ate in days. He appeared content. He appeared...thankful.

Halfway through my meal at this point, I would occasionally make eye contact with him and nod in acknowledgement. I would then look around and watch as other people stared at the man and made snap judgements with their eyes. Judgements that were not pleasant to say the least.

As the man was finishing his first meal, leftover chinese food,  a person walked behind him and without hesitation, the man pulled the chair next to him up so that the person could get through. A small gesture that struck a chord with me. Something about this man was different.

My mind began to wander, "Was this man a person with an unfortunate past?" "Why was he homeless?" "Why was he so seemingly polite and content compared to other homeless encounters I had witnessed?"

All of a sudden as my mind asked a million questions, the little girl from the family of 3 reappeared. In her hand, a large drink, seemingly of water. She made her way to the man, offered him the drink and as he politely gave his thanks and appreciation, she smiled and walked away.

As the man turned to see where the little girl came from, he locked eyes with the mother and as the man said, "thank you," the mother lipped "your welcome," seemingly overcome with emotion apparent in her watery eyes and delicate smile.

In that moment, a flood of emotion came over me. A man, seemingly fighting for his life, trying to make ends meet was just given a small gift from a family that in any other script of life would have done anything but help this man.

It was such a beautiful moment. A moment showcasing that there are people in this world willing to help others with no intention of getting anything back in return.

As I put my head down to hide my tears of happiness, I couldn't help but smile at how awesome life can be.

Starting to compose myself again, I looked over to see the man drinking the water provided by the family and I could do nothing but smile. "How cool" I thought.    

All of a sudden, another man, seemingly out of nowhere came up to the man and offered him a slice of pepperoni pizza. The man graciously accepted and nodded in thanks.

"This isn't real" I thought. Why had I never seen such genuine acts of kindness like this before?

Recognizing the gift he received, the man slowly ate the pizza. At first picking off the pepperoni and eating them one by one and then diving into the pizza slice itself.

At this point, my heart was full. In 20 minutes, I had seen two acts of kindness from strangers to a man that they could have easily written off. "Life is good" I thought as I stood up to head home.

As I walked back to my car, I couldn't help but have a small grin on my face acknowledging what I had just witnessed.

What's the moral of this story? For me, it's that we each have the ability to impact someone'e life and as one of my favorite quotes states...

"Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good."

The world can be a dark place but on this day, in this moment, the world was anything but dark.

I hope you enjoyed my story.



By the way, the picture above is of the homeless man. I knew in the moment after my emotions came over me, I wanted to document this experience.  

Why Greek Advisors Need to Be Held to Higher Standard

In 2013, I wrote a blog entry entitled, “2012: Worst Year Ever for Greek Organizations?” Take a moment to reminisce about all those wonderful issues that year. Sad right?

Well apparently, I was wrong in my assumption, as 2015 has appeared to dominate the negative perception of fraternities and sororities. According to a recent Huffington Post article found here, “30 fraternities have been shut down by either university or national headquarters since the beginning of March.“

As a Greek Advisor, you know this. Or, I would hope you know this because if you haven’t stayed abreast with the recent news, you should be fired. Yes, fired.

Greek Life is being questioned more now than ever before and that means we need to have a real conversation about those that oversee the Greek community. It’s time someone said it because enough is enough.

GREEK ADVISORS NATIONWIDE NEED TO BE HELD TO A HIGHER STANDARD.

Why should students keep getting the brunt of all the criticism?

In my opinion, I believe there are 3 types of Greek Advisors. The first are the Quitters. Those that have lost interest and have already left this blog. The second type is the Whiners. Those that are rolling their eyes proclaiming, “Why should I be held to a higher standard?” Lastly, there are the Believers. Believers are a small group of individuals with the belief that they can make change. Let me explain the three types I just outlined.

The Quitters:

Quitters are those that are tired of hearing the negativity. Tired of seeing reality.  Tired of well, their job. In my opinion, these are the Advisors hurting the cause more than helping. Why? They’ve become complacent in what they do and have a blinded belief that either A) Nothing will happen to their community or B) Creating change is too much work or a waste of their time.

The Whiners:

Whiners are those that do just that – whine. They whine about why change can’t be made. They whine about why they should be held to a higher standard. They whine about how little time they have. How little funding/money they receive. They whine about staffing issues or alumni involvement. Heck, they’re the readers whining right now reading this.

The Believers:

Believers are the true change agents. They’re the advisors who acknowledge issues but refuse to let them keep occurring. They challenge the status quo and advocate for change without regard if they believe it will make a difference. No problem is too big and no issue is too overwhelming.

Now, take a moment to think about every Greek Advisor you know. What group would you place them in? What group would you place yourself in?

Here is the reality in my opinion. Collectively, there are too many Quitters and Whiners serving as Greek Advisors. I know this and I think you know it too but some of you struggle to accept this. Sucks right?

OF COURSE IT DOES!

So why does this matter? The time is coming (if it hasn’t already) when University presidents and provosts are going to ask what you, the Greek Advisor, have been up to. Asking how you are planning to prevent future issues similar to the ones at (insert any recent university Greek issue) at your institution.  Asking how you are continuing to advance the mission and vision of the University within the Greek community. Based on the 3 groups of Greek Advisors I outlined, here is how those conversations take place…

The Quitter:

Hi President X. I have seen the recent news and you have nothing to worry about here at XYZ. We don’t have those issues because we’re ZZZ Greek community. The ways we’ve done things have always worked and always will because, well, they have. So no worries President X.

The Whiner:

Hi President X. I have seen the recent news and it’s frustrating. I mean, we face those issues as well but I don’t have the staff or support to fight these ongoing issues. I’m constantly running meeting to meeting and am always being pulled in various directions. I spend a majority of my time in judicial meetings or dealing with alumni. Did I mention we have Panhellenic recruitment coming up? I’m glad we’re not dealing with those same national issues but our community needs work President X.

The Believer:

Hi President X. I have seen the recent news and I have called a meeting with my Greek leaders to discuss what’s been going on nationwide. We have our own community issues that are being addressed but it helps the students to see other examples of the ramifications occurring nationwide and how it impacts our community here. In addition, I would like to set aside time to review our policies and procedures so we can continue to adapt to our ever-changing student and demographic. It won’t be easy and it will take time, but I want to assure you we are working hard.  Finally, I have been putting together a proposal to increase our staffing and funding based on case studies I’ve researched that I think will help alleviate some of the issues we have been faced with lately.

Maybe I’m off base but I can assure you those conversations will be occurring either now or in the very near future.  So, what Greek advisor will you be – The Quitter, The Whiner or the Believer?

You know, what makes me sad is that I think anyone who becomes a Greek Advisor starts off as a Believer. Yet, as time goes on, you transform into a Whiner who then transforms into a Quitter. Why do you think the retention rate of Greek Advisors is so low?

What’s even worse is the fact that if things don’t change and change soon, we will start to see more Greek communities closing. If Greek advisors can’t make the change they wish to see, why are we fighting the fight?

So what now? Now is the time to be held to a higher standard as a Greek advisor. Now is the time to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are willing and able to get your hands dirty and make some change.

Why should you be held to a higher standard? The answer is the same one you give your students…

Did you choose to become a Greek Advisor? Yes

No one forced you? No

Did you take a pledge/oath (aka the job description)? Yes

Did you take a pledge/oath to be better than average Greek Advisor? Yes

Did you take this job to make a difference? Yes

This is why you’re held to a higher standard.

When the Chant Stops

By now, you've heard about the racial incident that occurred with the fraternity, Sigma Alpha Epsilon at the University of Oklahoma. If you haven't, you can read the following article. To watch the video, click here.

As I watched the video in disappointment, as a former Higher Education professional and fraternity man myself, I couldn't help but think about the aftermath. Specifically, I knew it would make the news. I knew there would be a cry for justice. I knew there would be repercussions. However, one thing still bothered me. What happens when the chant stops?

What I mean by that is when I worked in Higher Ed, I always felt we as professionals struggled enough with risk management issues. When we finally started to get ahead of the game, we fell through the cracks in other areas. One of those areas were the teachable moments after an incident occurred.

Right now, SAE members at OU are packing their bags and in a state of disbelief as to what just happened to them. Why? The University President told them they had to move out by midnight on Tuesday, March 10th. Furthermore, the national office of SAE has closed the chapter and suspended all members. See their statement here.

I commend both the University and National organization for their swift action and strong leadership.

Yet, I keep asking myself, "what about the SAE members?" Are they all bad guys? No. Are they all racist? No. Do they understand the scope of what happened? I don't think so.

I don't know the history of the chapter or the diversity of its membership but what I do know is that they are kids. Kids who made a mistake. Kids who maybe were raised to believe what they chanted was right. Kids who may or may not have been intoxicated and made a poor choice. Am I giving excuses for them? No. However, it's important to note the ramifications of such actions to college age students.

What do I wish would happen? I wish there was open dialogue with the chapter. I wish the brothers had a chance to apologize (if they haven't already). I wish Higher Ed. professionals at OU were making it a priority to discuss this incident amongst the Greek community and larger University community as a whole (if they haven't already).

I dunno. I look back on my time as a Higher Ed. professional and when these type of situations occurred, I wish I would have done more AFTER the publicity went away. I focused so much time on investigating the incident, reviewing/clarifying policies and judicial enforcement that the "rehab" process was an after-thought. Sure there may have been a workshop or sanctions but I'm talking about PERSONAL rehab with the members.

I'd bet money there are SAE brothers in tears at this moment. I bet there are racial threats members are receiving. I bet there are some questioning their value system. I bet some are concerned they may get expelled from school.

Those are real issues. Real concerns. Concerns that at least in my experiences, didn't get enough attention.

So what now? I hope there will be intentional conversation with the members of the SAE chapter as well as the Greek community as a whole. I hope time will be invested in ensuring while the chapter members did an awful thing, they can learn from their mistakes. Finally, I hope in some cases, there will be a chance to potentially change a member's value system to accept all walks of life.