My Adoption Story Part 1: The Talk

Me as a baby. I won $50 in a cutest baby competition for this pic

There are some conversations you never forget. Whether it was your first “birds and the bees” chat with your mom or dad, the moment you heard your significant other say “I love you” for the first time, or saying “goodbye” to a loved one – you tend to recall those conversations fairly well. You may not remember every word, but you remember the moment. You remember your emotions in that moment.

The day I was told I was adopted, I don’t recall all the fine details of the conversation, but I remember the moment. I remember my emotions in that moment as I tried to wrap my head around what was being told to me. 

There I was, about 11 years old, hanging out at the house I’d grown up in my whole life when my older sister, Cristal, came up to me and asked if she could talk to me for a minute. It was just her and I in the house at the time. I recall my parents not being around and my older brother and little sister didn’t seem to be present in the house either.

As Cristal asked me to talk, I recall her tone was more subdued than normal. Cristal rarely has that kind of tone around me, so I knew this was an indication that something may have happened or that what she was going to say was serious.

I sat down on one of our living room couches and Cristal got down on the floor so she could look up at me, and said something along the lines of, “Scotty, I need to tell you something that you may not understand but I think it’s important you know.” Confused, I reply, “Ok” and then she proceeded to say, “Scotty, you’re adopted.” Again confused, I reply, “Ok, what does that mean?”

What Cristal said next is a blur to me. It’s as if I blacked out in the moment. I don’t remember what she said to be honest. However, I do recall my eyes tearing up and becoming emotional. I also remember asking her why mom and dad didn’t tell me this, to which she had no answer. Lastly, I remember hugging her, thanking her for telling me this news.

What happened next? Your guess is as good as mine. The thought of having other parents, and possibly other siblings was unimaginable. I was 11 years old. I’d only known one set of parents and my 3 siblings. I’d only known one household. I’d only lived in one house. I was a happy, active, attractive as hell kid!

But here’s the thing about “the talk.” There is no playbook on how to have it, or when to have it. If you search “How to give the adoption talk” on Google, you’ll find links that state, “5 Tips for Talking to Your Child About Adoption” or “How to Talk About Adoption Respectfully.” Similar to other difficult conversations, you don’t ever really know if the time is “right,” you can only hope what you say resonates with the person. I’m incredibly grateful for my older sister telling me I was adopted and that I was in the comforts of my own home.

Yet what people don’t realize is that when you are adopted, there are really two “talks.” The first talk is the one I just described. An incredibly eye opening and emotional reality that’s unexpected. It hits you like nothing you’ve experienced before. The second “talk” is the one you have to have with others as you start to embrace this new reality of your life. The second talk often feels odd and confusing because like a puzzle, there are pieces missing that you don’t even know how to find or in some cases, where to look.

The second talk usually goes something like this after meeting someone for the first time:

Person: “Nice to meet you! Where are you from?”

Me: “Well, I was born in Colombia but raised in Michigan”

Person: “So your parents are Colombian, that’s cool!”

Me: “No, I was adopted. My parents are tall and white.”

Person: “Ohh wow, that’s so cool! Why were you adopted?”

Me: [Insert sigh and awkward shrug]

The reality is, because so many people have never met someone who was adopted or known someone who is adopted, they often don’t consider the emotional triggers that may come from the conversation I just described.

I don’t know my biological parents. I don’t know if I have any biological siblings. I didn’t know why I was given up for adoption until three decades after I was born, of which, I learned in the past few months. I have no ill will towards my biological mother for giving me up for adoption because I grew up into an incredibly loving and caring family.

But not everyone adopted has the same experience as I did. Not everyone is told they are adopted in the same way I was. Not everyone is okay with the thought of being given up by the very being who brought them into this world. Not everyone likes the notion of being abandoned. Not everyone is okay with never truly knowing their biological parents and siblings.

The adoption talk is an incredibly personal conversation. One that I myself, am still trying to become more comfortable with because I’m still finding pieces to my own adoption puzzle to this day. But, through this blog entry and the next few entries, I am excited to share with you my story, so you can better understand my personal adoption journey…and to learn things about me most of you don’t know, such as what my real name is, which comes next in part 2 of my adoption story.